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MOTHER: Does your teacher like you?

SON: Like me, she loves me. Just look at all those X’s on my test paper!

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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.

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This Maths teacher put a lot of effort into his April Fool’s day joke for his Maths class this year.

Source: Youtube (April Fools: Math Class Shadow) or here.

This one required much more effort than the Joke I sent out to staff at my school via email:

Hi all,
Have been asked by IT to ensure all computers are thoroughly cleaned before  the end of term, by clicking on the following link:
http://tinyurl.com/2pzegg
Please do as soon as possible, only takes a few minutes and runs automatically.

If tinyurl is blocked from your location, original site is http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf or download here.

At least a number of staff found it amusing, while some thought it was serious and asked how long it had to run for.

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a bit like “You Might Be in Education if…” but here goes.

You’ve Been Teaching Too Long When You…

1. Think that canteen chocolate bars are “real food”
2. Know more than five uses for milk cartons.
3. Sing the school song while ironing!
4. Think that going to the supermarket is a special trip out.
5. Start setting homework for yourself.
6. Call your Principal, ‘darling’.
7. Records your school’s address on competition forms.
8. Think that staff meetings are the best fun you’ve had all week.
9. Cry with joy when your back-to-back photocopying comes out the right way up.

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael; he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s dead.”

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Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, “Jimmy, do you really think you’re stupid?”

“No,” Jimmy said. “But I didn’t want you standing up there alone.”

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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, “Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher.”

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Many of us are always seeking a pay rise, especially in these troubling economic times. This appeared in my Inbox as an answer.

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I first saw this when I started teaching many years ago, and over the years have seen a few other versions. Tonight I am collecting them together. If you know of any others, add them into the comments.

You Might Be In Education If…

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humour in other people’s stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 9 to 3 and have summers free.”
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.”
8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child.
9. Putting all “A’s” on a report card would make your life SO much easier.
10. When you mention vegetables, you are not talking about food.
11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
12. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
13. You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in a middle school for at least five years.
15. You can’t have children because there isn’t any name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.
16. You think caffeine should be available to staff in intravenous form.
17. Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like that?”
18. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
19. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
20. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
21. You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr. _________” and know you have been spotted.
22. You have 25 people that accidentally call you mom/dad at one time or another.
23. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.
24. You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and conference period.
25. You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
26. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
27. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
28. You have an ample supply of ’seasonal’ clothing (Christmas sweaters, Valentines shirts.)
29. You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least one thing!
30. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a “good choice or a bad choice.”
31. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
32. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer.
33. You take a day off from school, look at the clock and know exactly what the kids should be doing at that moment.
34. When you can freeze a child to the spot with a single stare… even when you’re on a day out in the park and have never seen the child in your life before!!
35. When you correct grammar and spelling on menus, other people’s letters, in fact anything written anywhere public.
36. You have perfected the “evil eye” that can silence a class in two seconds.
37. You have THAT tone of voice.
38. You go looking for a pen and the only colour you can find is red!
39. You know you’re a teacher when you hear any bell go off and you want to urinate!

Know any more??? Add them to the comments….

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This came across the fax machine at school the other day, and on some days it could be appropriate to have an automated telephone answering service that goes something like this:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and
that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort – Hang
up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

Download PDF Version

Download Word Version

More info about this story over at Snopes.