Category: Jokes

Performance Pay

By , Monday, 3rd November, 2008

Many of us are always seeking a pay rise, especially in these troubling economic times. This appeared in my Inbox as an answer.

You Might Be In Education If…

By , Saturday, 26th July, 2008

I first saw this when I started teaching many years ago, and over the years have seen a few other versions. Tonight I am collecting them together. If you know of any others, add them into the comments.

You Might Be In Education If…

  1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
  2. You find humour in other people’s stupidity.
  3. You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 9 to 3 and have summers free.”
  4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
  5. You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
  6. You believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card.
  7. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.”
  8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child.
  9. Putting all “A’s” on a report card would make your life SO much easier.
  10. When you mention vegetables, you are not talking about food.
  11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
  12. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
  13. You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
  14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in a middle school for at least five years.
  15. You can’t have children because there isn’t any name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.
  16. You think caffeine should be available to staff in intravenous form.
  17. Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like that?”
  18. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
  19. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
  20. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
  21. You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr. _________” and know you have been spotted.
  22. You have 25 people that accidentally call you mom/dad at one time or another.
  23. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.
  24. You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and conference period.
  25. You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
  26. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
  27. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
  28. You have an ample supply of ‘seasonal’ clothing (Christmas sweaters, Valentines shirts.)
  29. You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least one thing!
  30. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a “good choice or a bad choice.”
  31. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
  32. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer.
  33. You take a day off from school, look at the clock and know exactly what the kids should be doing at that moment.
  34. When you can freeze a child to the spot with a single stare… even when you’re on a day out in the park and have never seen the child in your life before!!
  35. When you correct grammar and spelling on menus, other people’s letters, in fact anything written anywhere public.
  36. You have perfected the “evil eye” that can silence a class in two seconds.
  37. You have THAT tone of voice.
  38. You go looking for a pen and the only colour you can find is red!
  39. You know you’re a teacher when you hear any bell go off and you want to urinate!

Know any more??? Add them to the comments….

A School Answering Service

By , Thursday, 3rd July, 2008

This came across the fax machine at school the other day, and on some days it could be appropriate to have an automated telephone answering service that goes something like this:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and
that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort – Hang
up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

page_white_acrobat Download PDF Version

page_word Download Word Version

More info about this story over at Snopes.

What did you teach?

By , Tuesday, 24th June, 2008

Here’s a joke I came across:

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” Well, you’ll love this one……

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

“Yes. Yes, I did,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1969. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked,

“What did you teach?”

A Fatal Beating

By , Friday, 6th June, 2008

I’ve been a bit of a fan of Rowan Atkinson for about 14 years now – I still remember making my family watch him when I was in High School.

I recently came across this video (7.5Mb) on YouTube. Rowan Atkinson is the Principal talking to a parent about his son, who received a fatal beating.

Rowan Atkinson - A Fatal Beating

Source: YouTube

Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard

By , Thursday, 5th June, 2008

Just came across this site which lets you create your own witty slogans to write on the chalkboard, just like Bart Simpson does.

bart-simpson-writing-on-chalkboard

💡 Why not leave a comment to let me know what witty slogan you’d have Bart write for you?

And here’s what I got him to write. 🙂

Mr-Gray-is-the-best-teacher

Start of Year Title Pages

By , Monday, 10th March, 2008

This DT Smith comic by Ian Sargent is the latest in the NSW Teacher Federation’s Education newspaper.

DT-Smith-20080310

It actually reminded me of a comic by Adrian Bruce.

pointlesss-title-pages

Internet Filters

By , Tuesday, 23rd October, 2007

The NSW DET has, of course, implemented an Internet Filter to keep us all nice and safe. 🙂

This URL (http://tinyurl.com/2bj42b) show how wonderful Internet Filters can be.

internet_filter

I especially like the reason given for blocking this site:

It (The Wee Waa High School website) has been classified in the category not very interesting.

😆

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