Who else likes the start of the new school year??
Posts tagged: Jokes-Staff
So our Report Cards were handed out to the children yesterday. I wonder if any of the children tried this play on words???
See the Comic: Off The Mark
“Nice try, but no, I’m not impressed with your 3 D Report Card…”
This Maths teacher put a lot of effort into his April Fool’s day joke for his Maths class this year.
This one required much more effort than the Joke I sent out to staff at my school via email:
Have been asked by IT to ensure all computers are thoroughly cleaned before the end of term, by clicking on the following link:
Please do as soon as possible, only takes a few minutes and runs automatically.
If tinyurl is blocked from your location, original site is http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf or download here.
At least a number of staff found it amusing, while some thought it was serious and asked how long it had to run for.
Throw out the red pens – according to Queensland Health – they are too aggressive.
I heard this on the news tonight and thought how ridiculous.
TEACHERS are being warned to use bean bags to reduce student stress, organise “mind dumps” to clear kids’ thoughts and even stop using “aggressive” red pens.
In a controversial suite of tips that has divided psychologists, a Queensland Health kit tells teachers to use blue or black pens to mark assignments because red is considered too confrontational.
The effort to handle students with care – backed by Health Minister Stephen Robertson, pictured – also includes teachers being told to apologise to them when necessary and organise “check-ins” at the start of each day to assess how they are feeling.
The Queensland Council of Parents and Citizens Associations last night demanded the kit be scrapped.
“It is definitely over the top and quite unbelievable,” council president Margaret Black said.
“We’re calling for our children to grow up normally, including their work being marked with a red pen.”
The Good Mental Health Rocks kit – of which 1000 have been distributed – was revealed in State Parliament yesterday by the Opposition, which has labelled the red pen advice “kooky, loony, loopy, Left policy”.
The kits were distributed to 29 schools which participated in the Queensland Rock Eisteddfod this year.
The Bligh Government yesterday defended the kits, which cost almost $3000, and labelled the attack a “cheap political stunt” which failed to understand serious mental health issues.
Mr Robertson said teachers did not have to use the advice devised by specialists as it contained only hints and tips.
“This is not something you ridicule,” he said.
“You only have to look at the suicide rates in Queensland to know that this is no laughing matter.”
Opposition health spokesman Mark McArdle said the pen advice showed priorities were wrong when literacy and numeracy levels were so low.
“This is a kooky, loony, loopy, Left policy from a Labor Government that is out of touch,” he said.
The kit said the so-called “mind dumps” allowed students to write down everything in their mind and then throw the piece of paper in the bin.
Another tip was a “steam time”, allowing for one-on-one chats with teachers each week.
Psychologists are split on the red pen advice but Toowoomba child psychologist Paul Bramston said a softer colour could help some children with problems.
“The red pen brings up association of aggression more than blue or black as red is linked more with dramatic things like stop signs,” Dr Bramston said.
Queensland Teachers Union president Steve Ryan hung up on The Courier-Mail after claiming the kit did not exist and the Government would never give that advice to teachers.
“Mental health is a serious issue,” Mr Ryan said.
“It is disgraceful the Liberal National Party would make fun of mental health.”
Mental illness group Mind Frame said about 14 per cent of children between four and 17 suffered from mental problems.
Of course, nobody wants to see their work looking like this:
If you think you’re going to need it, you can always order the shirt…
Hopefully, things never get this bad.
I first saw this when I started teaching many years ago, and over the years have seen a few other versions. Tonight I am collecting them together. If you know of any others, add them into the comments.
You Might Be In Education If…
- You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
- You find humour in other people’s stupidity.
- You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 9 to 3 and have summers free.”
- You believe chocolate is a food group.
- You can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
- You believe “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on the report card.
- You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids are sure mellow today.”
- When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child.
- Putting all “A’s” on a report card would make your life SO much easier.
- When you mention vegetables, you are not talking about food.
- You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
- You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
- You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
- You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in a middle school for at least five years.
- You can’t have children because there isn’t any name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.
- You think caffeine should be available to staff in intravenous form.
- Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like that?”
- Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
- You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.
- You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
- You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr. _________” and know you have been spotted.
- You have 25 people that accidentally call you mom/dad at one time or another.
- You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.
- You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and conference period.
- You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
- You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
- You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
- You have an ample supply of ‘seasonal’ clothing (Christmas sweaters, Valentines shirts.)
- You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least one thing!
- You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a “good choice or a bad choice.”
- You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
- You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer.
- You take a day off from school, look at the clock and know exactly what the kids should be doing at that moment.
When you can freeze a child to the spot with a single stare… even when you’re on a day out in the park and have never seen the child in your life before!!
When you correct grammar and spelling on menus, other people’s letters, in fact anything written anywhere public.
- You have perfected the “evil eye” that can silence a class in two seconds.
- You have THAT tone of voice.
- You go looking for a pen and the only colour you can find is red!
- You know you’re a teacher when you hear any bell go off and you want to urinate!
Know any more??? Add them to the comments….
This came across the fax machine at school the other day, and on some days it could be appropriate to have an automated telephone answering service that goes something like this:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and
that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort – Hang
up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
More info about this story over at Snopes.